Growing Up

I've been on these here islands for six months now and am preparing to leave in just two short days. My time here has been exactly what I needed and nothing that I had expected. For one glorious half-year I have not needed to worry about work, bills, relationships or much of anything other than how to get my tomatoes to ripen and how many beers to drink at the beach. Talk about relaxation therapy. So now I'm headed back to the hustle and bustle of the mainland, or as I have been referring to it in my head, the real world. I will need to find gainful employment, rent a house, pay bills and enter once more into the rat-race of life. I am both ready and anxious.

To soothe my worried soul, I've been spending a little more time in the garden lately than usual and find that it calms me more than ever. I have grown things with my hands. My attention to detail and delight in small things has expanded by caring for these little seedlings and noticing their changes day by day. And as I look back, I realize that I have helped to create something beautiful and big in my time here. When I arrived at the retreat that has become my home, there was just some dirt and myself. I was the first WWOOFer here and I have helped to create both a beautiful garden and a volunteer program to sustain it. I wanted to share these pictures of my daily work area both to remind myself of how far I've come and to show all of you the beautiful place that I have spent my days these past months.

August 2009

January 2010

Saturn Says...

I opened by in-box the other day and found a custom 28 page Saturn Return chart. My brain kind of froze for a couple of days trying to process that massive download of information, thus the lag in posting. Like most astrological literature, it's open to wildly different interpretations. So, in the cavalier spirit which caused me to order a personalized star chart, I here offer my own completely biased interpretation of my Saturn Return chart, selecting only the portions I find to be entertaining and relevant:

1. The first thing listed on my chart (so I'm going out on a limb and interpreting that its the most important) is that I was born with Saturn in Libra. According to the Saturn Sisters, this means that partnership is my life's highest ambition. Since Libra is the sign of justice, and justice is about balancing things (ala Lady Justice with her golden scales), finding harmony and balance in relationships is my biggest life lesson. The chart also talks about how the partnership I'm to be seeking is not some flash-in-the-pan kind of affair, but a long, committed, life-time partnership. Oh Saturn, you know that's what I've been trying to find, but it has eluded me thus far! And as a side note, (and to my great delight) my chart includes a quote from Beyonce: "If you like it you shoulda put a ring on it." This addition really boosted my confidence in the Saturn Sisters, not because this quote's relevance to my life (putting a ring on it never worked out that well for me), but because anyone who can combine sultry hip hop stars and astrology is okay in my book. Here I remind you of how very important a liberal interpretation is when perusing astrological literature.
   
2. The second aspect of my chart shows that Saturn is in the sixth house (of what and of how many I do not know...just go with it). Apparently this means that I have a great need for solitude, perfection and order, which seems like it's directly opposed to my greatest ambition, partnership. No wonder everything is so hard! But there is some advice here. The way to overcome this dilemma is to devote myself to sincere and humble service. Not a bad way to approach lifetime partnership. The sisters also tell me that with Saturn in this house, I am prone to neurosis and stress if I don't keep my life very simple and unrestricted. (Yet another reason to travel and be unemployed...I'm so much less neurotic when my life is carefree and simple!) Not sure how to balance that with partnership, but I guess I'll figure that out before I'm 30.
   

So these are my big life lessons, what the stars have conspired to teach me in this lifetime. And Saturn is returning to my house to make sure that I learn it, or so say the Saturn Sisters. I've been thinking on that for a couple of days, these lessons that I'm to learn and, perhaps its just my own interpretation, but this really does seem to have been the major struggle in my life: balancing my need for partnership with my need for solitude. I can't say that I've found any kind of workable solution thus far. Here's the cycle I have tried: be in partnership, be driven crazy by it, retreat to my corner, get lonely, find a new partner and start all over again. Maybe everyone struggles with this duality, wanting both the activity and energy of relationship but also the cool, soothing quiet of aloneness. When I try to imagine a balance between the two, I think about those whirling dervishes I saw in Istanbul, spinning ceaselessly in a vortex of activity to generate stillness in their souls; dancing alone to find perfect union with God. This desire to experience union is really a noble goal, a deep and beautiful desire. Reminds me of my old friend Hafiz:

WITH THAT MOON LANGUAGE
Admit something:

Everyone you see, you say to them,
"Love me."

Of course you do not do this out loud;
Otherwise,
Someone would call the cops.

Still though, think about this,
This great pull in us
To connect.

Why not become the one
Who lives with a full moon in each eye
That is always saying,

With that sweet moon
Language,

What every other eye in this world
Is dying to
Hear.

HAFIZ