Saturn Says...

I opened by in-box the other day and found a custom 28 page Saturn Return chart. My brain kind of froze for a couple of days trying to process that massive download of information, thus the lag in posting. Like most astrological literature, it's open to wildly different interpretations. So, in the cavalier spirit which caused me to order a personalized star chart, I here offer my own completely biased interpretation of my Saturn Return chart, selecting only the portions I find to be entertaining and relevant:

1. The first thing listed on my chart (so I'm going out on a limb and interpreting that its the most important) is that I was born with Saturn in Libra. According to the Saturn Sisters, this means that partnership is my life's highest ambition. Since Libra is the sign of justice, and justice is about balancing things (ala Lady Justice with her golden scales), finding harmony and balance in relationships is my biggest life lesson. The chart also talks about how the partnership I'm to be seeking is not some flash-in-the-pan kind of affair, but a long, committed, life-time partnership. Oh Saturn, you know that's what I've been trying to find, but it has eluded me thus far! And as a side note, (and to my great delight) my chart includes a quote from Beyonce: "If you like it you shoulda put a ring on it." This addition really boosted my confidence in the Saturn Sisters, not because this quote's relevance to my life (putting a ring on it never worked out that well for me), but because anyone who can combine sultry hip hop stars and astrology is okay in my book. Here I remind you of how very important a liberal interpretation is when perusing astrological literature.
   
2. The second aspect of my chart shows that Saturn is in the sixth house (of what and of how many I do not know...just go with it). Apparently this means that I have a great need for solitude, perfection and order, which seems like it's directly opposed to my greatest ambition, partnership. No wonder everything is so hard! But there is some advice here. The way to overcome this dilemma is to devote myself to sincere and humble service. Not a bad way to approach lifetime partnership. The sisters also tell me that with Saturn in this house, I am prone to neurosis and stress if I don't keep my life very simple and unrestricted. (Yet another reason to travel and be unemployed...I'm so much less neurotic when my life is carefree and simple!) Not sure how to balance that with partnership, but I guess I'll figure that out before I'm 30.
   

So these are my big life lessons, what the stars have conspired to teach me in this lifetime. And Saturn is returning to my house to make sure that I learn it, or so say the Saturn Sisters. I've been thinking on that for a couple of days, these lessons that I'm to learn and, perhaps its just my own interpretation, but this really does seem to have been the major struggle in my life: balancing my need for partnership with my need for solitude. I can't say that I've found any kind of workable solution thus far. Here's the cycle I have tried: be in partnership, be driven crazy by it, retreat to my corner, get lonely, find a new partner and start all over again. Maybe everyone struggles with this duality, wanting both the activity and energy of relationship but also the cool, soothing quiet of aloneness. When I try to imagine a balance between the two, I think about those whirling dervishes I saw in Istanbul, spinning ceaselessly in a vortex of activity to generate stillness in their souls; dancing alone to find perfect union with God. This desire to experience union is really a noble goal, a deep and beautiful desire. Reminds me of my old friend Hafiz:

WITH THAT MOON LANGUAGE
Admit something:

Everyone you see, you say to them,
"Love me."

Of course you do not do this out loud;
Otherwise,
Someone would call the cops.

Still though, think about this,
This great pull in us
To connect.

Why not become the one
Who lives with a full moon in each eye
That is always saying,

With that sweet moon
Language,

What every other eye in this world
Is dying to
Hear.

HAFIZ

Blessed Solitude

It was overcast this morning, the sky kinda drippy. I like it that way, especially when I'm working in the garden. The sun is just brutal most days and it gave me a rare chance to plant some seedlings without them being scorched by noon. My mind was wandering even though I was listening to a podcast and my mood felt a little cloudy. Lately when I fall into these moods, I try to be a grown up and pull myself out of it by centering and asking myself what I am grateful for at that exact moment...what will I look back on as my time here draws to a close and find beautiful and lovely and precious? The very first thing that popped into my head was, "I'm grateful to be alone." That kinda surprised me, even though it was my own thought. It felt selfish and a little psychopathic to be grateful for loneliness. And it reminded me of one of my favorite poems:

MY EYES SO SOFT

Don't
Surrender
Your loneliness so quickly.
Let it cut more
Deep.

Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice so
Tender,

My need of God
Absolutely
Clear.

HAFIZ

I realized there in the garden that I really am grateful for all this loneliness and travel and dirty fingernails and food and time with my thoughts. I think back to a few months ago and I felt like I was doubled over with the aloneness and the weight of my own constantly crazy-making brain. I felt like I could barely stand up under the weight of everything and often just collapsed into a big ball of crying and feeling lost. Today I feel like my back is strong and straight. I feel sort of like myself again. I like my loneliness, only now it just feels like blessed solitude, the kind of perfect loneliness that I may never have again in my lifetime. I know how I love and I know that I want to have a partner and that circus of loving and compromising and happiness and anguish will inevitably start all over again sometime soon...and I don't want it to be right now. I am profoundly grateful to have no one but myself to worry over and grapple with. By myself I feel a cool quiet that I don't have with anyone else. This loneliness finally feels like a gift.

Paradise

Remember how earlier I posted my ridiculous sillogism for moving to Hawaii? In case you forgot, I'll recap:
A) You can't be miserable in paradise
B) Hawaii is as close to paradise as it gets in these United States
THEREFORE
C) If I move to Hawaii, I will no longer be miserable

Apparently my attention was wandering during college philosophy class, because the first thing they teach you is that if you build your pyramid of reason on a faulty premise, it all collapses in a big rubble heap on the floor. I was probably distracted by boy troubles back then too. Sheesh.
All that to say that I was wrong...you can be miserable in paradise if you have the following:

• an overactive brain (for those of you who actually know how to relax, your neurotic type A friends will thank you for employing this euphemism)
• a serious case if heartache (again with the totally lame boy troubles)
• too much time on your hands

Which is not to say that I am unable to enjoy myself here. I really am happy to be in the sun and the water every day and am grateful for the time to relax and do something different. Most days I love everything about being here. But some days my mind will not shut off. I see the wisdom of those ancient pharoahs who had their brains pulled out through their noses so they could get some eternal rest.

I'm trying to see my heartache through a different lens so can I evict the crazy people who moved into my head a few months ago. (You know the kind; they're constantly repeating those sharp, painful words that have been said to you over the years, and playing back all the sweet moments in your life that make you ache with longing. These crazy people know all your soft spots, goddammit.) I turned to my old friend Hafiz for some advice and here's what he said:

What is the key
To untie the knot of your mind's suffering?

What
Is the esoteric secret
To slay the crazed one whom each of us
Did wed?

And who can ruin
Our heart's and eye's exquisite tender
Landscape?

Hafiz has found
Two emerald words that
Restored
Me

That I now cling to as I would sacred
Tresses of my Beloved's
Hair

Act great.
My dear, always act great.

What is the key
To untie knot of the mind's suffering?

Benevolent thought, sound
And movement.

Most days I find that I can manage to be benevolent in maybe one or two of these areas...for about five minutes...when I'm sleeping. But hey, it's a start. Like juggling, you can't keep all three balls in the air on your first try. And did you know that the word paradise is derived from the Arabic word for garden? Seems like at least I landed in the right spot, and now it's just up to me to tame my inner crazies and remember to act great.

Self Regard

I've had a lot of time to ponder these days. Sometimes that feels like a blessing and sometimes it makes my brain want to gnaw its way out of my skull from too much overprocessing. One thing I keep thinking about is this little phrase that does sommersaults in my mind and keeps me guessing.

Self-regard
Regarding the self

We all know of self-regard as it means something like self-esteem or positive self-image. I wonder these days how much that comes down to just looking at yourself. Looking in the same way that you would look at the rain coming down, or the road that you're traveling. Just looking for the sake of looking. Not looking to have an opinion or to find something. I wonder if this is the beginning of good self-regard. Just to look without judgment and be able to say "Yup, that's me." Whether its your short temper or your beautiful voice. Either one, just to look and know and stop with all the criticism and praise.

When
No one is looking
I swallow deserts and clouds
And chew on mountains knowing
They are sweet
Bones!
When no one is looking and I want
To kiss
God
I just life my own hand
To
My
Mouth

HAFIZ

Oh, Hafiz

This
Sky where we live
Is no place to lose your wings
So love, love
Love.