Saturn Return--Watch Out!

There I was on New Year's Eve, reviewing the past 365 days and contemplating the course of 2010 (while pre-gaming some papaya cocktails in anticipation of an evening of dancing)...probably thinking a little too much for my own good, no doubt...and those contemplative gears have been turning ever since. So what can I say about 2009? It started off mellow, then exploded in a fiery shit-storm and slowly is re-shaping in entirely unexpected ways. I took some time to ponder about what the hell is in the air that so many of my friends and neighbors are also in the midst of major life shifts. After a little research (and by this I mean 15 minutes of Googling), I've come across an interesting theory: the dreaded Saturn return.

Here's my expertise on this phenomenon, which I've culled from a highly sophisticated internet search:

1. Astrologically speaking, Saturn rules responsibilities, life lessons, and structure...all very adult things. Keep in mind that Saturn is also Kronos, the Greek god who ate all his children as they were being born...which kind of sums up the horror of 2009.
   
2. Saturn is a slow moving planet, staying in the same house for up three years and taking about 28 years to cycle through the entire zodiac. So when it comes back into the same house it was in when you were born, you get a phenomenon called the Saturn return.
   
3. Supposedly this planetary return signifies a major watershed, a testing of character and the way you've structured you life. If your life's structure is out of sync with your true character and values, then it is a time of upheaval and change so that your life more closely aligns with your ruling stars.
   
4. At the end of your first Saturn return (around your 30th birthday) you have been sufficiently tested to move into the adult part of your life (major trials as an initiation into a new life phase and all that jazz).
   
5. The best place to read more about your Saturn return is from the totally hip and savvy Saturn Sisters, pictured above. Look at these ladies! I'd trust them to tell me the direction of my adult life...their accessories alone breed confidence!

This would definitely explain why all of my friends (who are of course my age, myself having just turned 28 last April) are going through similar crises. It also happens to be a very convenient way for me to explain the total meltdown that occurred this year ("It's not my fault! It's my Saturn return!") So acting as the responsible adult that I am soon to be, I decided to invest in my future by ordering my very own, personalized Saturn Return Chart from the Saturn Sisters. Since I seem to have lost all faith in my own decision making abilities, I figured, what the hell...maybe I need to consult the stars for some advice this go-round. It certainly can't hurt. I'm still waiting, so I end this post with the tantalizing words:

TO BE CONTINUED....